It’s Gabe. I am not dead like me previous letter had stated. I am alive and finally getting my, life choo choo, back on the tracks. I know I have been a really horrible fiancé so far, but to be fair, I said I was sorry.
Currently I am living in a tent I found. There are other people in it, so I must finish this letter before they wake up. I have no money, no job, and no friggin’ clue how I could have let this happen to myself. Hear me out!
I remember it like it was just yesterday. Yesterday I walked to the schoolyard to meet my friend Pete. Pete is a fat boy. Well, fatter than the rest of the boys. He goes to an all sports high school; so all the boys are skinny. We call them skinny Dan or skinny Pete. It is a rule that all the boys be called Dan or Pete.
So Fat Pete says to me, “Hey, we’re all gonna go do some pizza. And you’re stepping on my toe.” I apologized and said, “I thought that was my toe. What is Pizza?” Fat Pete replied, “It’s a wild ride compadre.” Compadre, friend. I knew this for I am Fat Pete’s Spanish teacher at School. And I was real proud of Pete. Proud of all the boys, or should I say amigos.
I had about 5 minutes until I had to get back to teaching, and what the hell, I had been late before. I had been so late before that by the time I got there, the English class after us had already begun. It was a real challenge teaching that class, especially with the other teacher telling me to “Get lost freak!”. I definitely did get through to them though. They were all laughing and pointing at me, which is obviously a great sign of respect. Just ask someone funny, like Ray Romano.
Me and the fellas headed to something called a “Pizza Shop”. You could tell I was a little out of place. All the guys there had grease on their heads and they were wearing plain white, cotton basketball jerseys. I had seen Fat Pete wear something similar when he goes swimming at the pool.
They asked me what I wanted. I said a blow job. I don’t what I was thinking. I didn’t really want that guy to give me a blow job, it was just the first thing that came to mind. He handed me a “slice” of “Cheese” “Pizza” instead. Pete looked at me and said, “Try it. And get the fuck off my toe!” I tried to apologize, but my mouth was full of “pizza”.
The “pizza” slid down my throat and into the wrong pipe. I coughed for a while, but then just swallowed it. I wonder where it went. It sure as hell isn’t in my stomach and my back really hurts.
The next bite was pure magic. Magic in the sense that it made me feel like I had disappeared. Disappeared into a world I had only dreamt about. I felt like I had been lifted up and was floating amongst the clouds. The sauce, the cheese, that stuff that tasted like bread. It was the most tasty thing I had ever tasted.
I ordered another “slice”, and they gave it to me. I only had to pay $2 and I could have another one. I must have eaten 5 “slices” in 2 minutes. The boys said they had to head back to class. I tried to convince them to stay by calling them traitors and then crying. It didn’t work. And it didn’t matter. I didn’t need friends, I had “pizza”.
I stayed an extra 3 hours and ate prolly close to $1,000 of “slices” of “pizza”. I wasn’t full though. I would eat close to 20 “slices” and my body would naturally throw up, providing more room for more “pizza”. I ran out of money. I tried to pay for the “pizza” by stealing it. But that didn’t work. They threw me out on the street. That sucked.
I had no choice but to dip into our vacation fund. It was a pain paying in all quarters, but the guys let me do it. Suckers. Everyone knows quarters aren’t seriously money. The vacation money didn’t last me long. Did you know we only had $10 in there? What kind of vacation would that buy? One to Cleveland?
I was fortunate to find some “pizza” in the trash. It was old and covered in banana peels. Damn Zoo trashcans.
I was really Jonezin’ for a fix. I needed more “pizza”. I called my parents for money, but it was the wrong number. I called your parents for money, but they didn’t know who I was. I even called my pair of aunts for money, but they had both passed.
It wasn’t looking bright. The clouds set in and it began to rain. That is how I landed in this tent. I didn’t want to get wet, and I somehow wandered into the woods. I thought I smelled “pizza”, but I guess it was just trees and tents.
Rosanne. I’m so sorry. I will be home soon, maybe even tonight if I can steal this map from these sleeping losers. It’s a guy and a gal. I bet they had sex in here. So weird to think about.
Maybe we can have a date night? Watch a movie? Stay up late? After all, I lost my Spanish teacher job today. Hey I’ve got a great idea! Let’s order a “pizza”.