Dear Father Todd,
My name is Samantha. I hate to take up any of your time, but I had some suggestions on how we could make Sunday Mass more fun.
Instead of celebrating some dork that got himself locked in a cave, we can celebrate ME, Samantha. I’m the tallest girl in the grade of 8th and my feet are constantly being compared to skis. Now that’s something to really celebrate.
Instead of those ugly, gay alter boys, we can replace them with something truly entertaining. Like Danny DeVito and Arnold Schwarzenegger. One of them looks like a miniature villain and the other one is hot, but he can’t speak. They are so funny in that movie about Twins. I think it’s called, A Couple of Brother’s Who Look A Like?
Instead of reading from the bible (Barf) we can read from Julie Groove’s diary and finally expose her for being a small-footed, B-word with a sour patch kid for a heart. And instead of responding to things “praise be to God”, we’ll just laugh our buns off.
Let’s do away with those uncomfortable pews. From now on, people will sit on merry go-rounds and moon bounces. All the grown ups can sit in lawn chairs and drink while the Daddies grill hamburgers and hot dogs. It’ll be a party!
The donation basket will now be replaced by the Gift Table. People will just pass presents around that are all for ME, and put then on a big table. Then at the end of mass we’ll all gather around while I open them. Oh please let them be Sky Dancers and Pocket Lockers!
Enough of that Body and Christ thing. So gross. Instead of that shitty bread cracker thing and old grape juice, we’ll now be serving Coca-Cola and Birthday Cake. Unlimited Birthday Cake. Chocolate. With Happy Birthday Samantha written on it in big azz letters.
And instead of calling it Sunday Mass, we’ll just call it Samantha’s Birthday Party! We’ll invite all the hottest boys and all the ugliest girls. Then we’ll see who’s really invited to what party, Julie Groove you dumb fuggin’ slug in the mud.
Pleeease Pleeeease Pleeeease Father! And you can NOT tell my parents you’re throwing me a birthday party. They think I’m grounded because of some little threat I made on Julie’s life. I was JOKING! It was a line I heard Drew Carrey say once. But who’s line is it anyway huh?
Let me know ASAP. TTYL. LYL. LOL. I can’t believe I’m asking a friggin’ priest for help. So lame!