The ram. You win the LOTTERY today! Didn’t buy a lottery ticket? Check your pocket because the STARS are in your favor! VENUS and MARS have aligned to bring you COLD HARD CASH and lottery winnings! Start smiling — the news cameras will be there soon!
The bull. You fly to EUROPE today! Not near an airport or don’t have a boarding pass? Doesn’t matter! Somehow the PLANET RINGS demand that going to EUROPE is your DESTINY! I hope you packed your beret, because PARIS is calling!
The twins. You find out you have a TWIN today! Luck so nice, the MILKY WAY dished it out twice! TWO times the POWER of the STARS alignment for you, Gemini! Mom says its impossible? NOTHING’S IMPOSSIBLE WITH ASTROLOGY! Already have a twin? NOW YOU GOT ANOTHER – EACH!
The crab. You get MARRIED today! Not seeing anyone? SURPRISE! It’s GOING TO HAPPEN! Seeing someone but not ready? Prepare yourself for a romantic gesture so INSANELY GALACTIC you will be swept off your feet and saying “I DO” faster than MERCURY can enter a new DREAM ZONE!
The lion. You win an OSCAR today! JUPITER and SATURN cross paths, leaving a GOLDEN STATUETTE in your grasp! Not a famous actor in a big name film? Not for LONG! Get to memorizing SOME LINES because between now and tonight you will have starred in a movie and WON an OSCAR! Seriously, congrats.
The virgin. You will DISCOVER A NEW ELEMENT today! The orbit of NEPTUNE emanates blue aura today, indicating the PERIODIC TABLE will expand by midnight! Not a scientist? EVERYONE’S a SCIENTIST these days! It’s ELEMENTary, my dear Virgo!
The scale. You will get DRAFTED BY THE CHICAGO BULLS today! EARTH has never been closer to PLUTO – this means SLAM DUNKS are in your FUTURE! Be prepared for a phone call requesting your JERSEY SIZE and WINGSPAN. Not in shape? They got TRAINERS for that!
The scorpion. You get voted PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES today! HALEY’s COMET passes by TATOOINE, aligning your FATE with that of the U.S.A.! No political awareness? Get out your red, white, and blue, Scorpio! FAKE IT TIL YA MAKE IT! Let the STARS be your guide!
The archer. You end up on TATOOINE today! One second you’ll be on the 36 Bus, the next second you’ll be HURTLING THROUGH SPACE landing on TATOOINE in time to see HALEY’s COMET zoom past! Not real you say? Sagittarius’ are always SKEPTICAL! Believe in your BEING of TRUTH and you will find YOURSELF (on TATOOINE).
The goat. You will MEET THE REINCARNATION OF JESUS today! Whether you’ve been waiting for him or not, today the EARTH’s MOLTEN CORE aligns with your STAR SIGN (the sign of CHRIST) to bring you face to face with JESUS reincarnated! Don’t believe in reincarnation or leave your house ever? IT’S JESUS!! He’ll find a way. You might not even recognize him!
The water bearer. You will get BITTEN BY A SHARK, STRUCK BY LIGHTENING, and WIN THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE while STANDING ON TOP of MOUNT EVEREST holding a FOUR LEAF CLOVER today! ALPHA CENTAURI says so!
The fish. For 10 MINUTES today YOU WILL NOT EXIST! A glitch in the SUN’S WARPSPEED and the MOON’S PULL will BEND MATTER AND MELT TIME creating a 10 MINUTE span where you AS A HUMAN and/or SOUL do NOT EXIST! Don’t believe me?? WAIT AND SEE, PISCES!!!!!