Horoscopes - Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Horoscopes – Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Aries 3/21-4/19

The ram. Poor ram. Though a meticulous planner, your preparations to visit Yellowstone on it’s 123rd birthday were all for naught, as the Department of Interior and all National Parks will shut down today. The stars are telling you to stay inside and re-watch Season 1 of “Breaking Bad”.

Taurus 4/20-5/20

The bull. With a sense of humor always at the ready, you find joy in an airborne journey today. You’ll make a good joke along the lines of: “Yeah, the Department of Transportation gives us air traffic controllers today, but they keep taking all the leg room!?”

Gemini 5/21-6/21

The twins. Learn to take a hint, sweet Gemini. Volunteers aren’t allowed at the Smithsonian today, and you have never been an official employee, so please, just, leave them alone. Stop shading your eyes and trying to look through the front door of the Smithsonian. It’s closed, Gemini.

Cancer 6/22-7/22

The crab. You waltz through life in a peaceful mist of sparkling Alaskan snow and swirling tundra. You have not a care in the world today as life persists per usual. You are one of 14 in the Denali Commission. Treat yourself to yourself – have some crab legs during your lunch break today.

Leo 7/23-8/22

The lion. Use your ferocity today to take a giant risk – you’ve got a fire in ya! Spark it up! No one’s sittin’ on their butt over at the Risk Management Agency watchin’ ya, so go all out today, saucy Leo. Who gives a hoot? Not OBAMA!!!

Virgo 8/23-9/22

The virgin. Nothing brings you down today, virtuous Virgo. You will find beauty in an unexpected place. The National Gallery of Art is closed, but luckily for you the internet exists and you can look up a ton of stuff on it. Google “Monet” or something.

Libra 9/23-10/22

The scale. Waste no time! Hurry, Libra! Get there! You have an idea you’ve been meaning to Trademark! The USPTO is open for “a few weeks”! What does that mean? Who cares?! Act now before some other nut job trademarks your logo for “AB Rockz”, the belly-fat eliminating supplement you invented!

Scorpio 10/23-11/21

The scorpion. Today is the day to spill your poison, dear Scorpio, as the Chemical Safety and Hazard Investigation board is closed. You’ve been waiting for the perfect moment to douse your neighbor’s garage in corrosive acid. This is it.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

The archer. Your suspisions prove true! How convenient for NASA to refuse public access today, when it doesn’t exist at all? You know we never landed on the moon, wise Sagittarius! Today is your chance to expose NASA for what it is! Doctored footage and cardboard cut-outs of space shuttles!!!!

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

The goat. You will receive a letter in the mail today, Capricorn, because it is still being delivered.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18

The water bearer. Always surrounded by the wishy-washy, you are once again without direction today, Aquarius. A trip might be postponed if your passport application is processing at a Deptartment of State building that is closed but some are open so it also might not be postponed but it could be or could not be. Live in uncertainty of everything.

Pisces 2/19-3/20

The fish. You will miraculously come into a lot of money today, Pisces. Stay home and try to find a way to spend $1 Billion this week!