Aries – 3/21-4/19
The ram. Dear ram, this fresh frigid new year blows much wind of change your way. Since Mars is in retrofit, you begin January with arrogant invincibility and conclude the month in a body cast. Mind your humility, humiliate your mind, and leave some pickle jars unopened. You will not have a date on Valentine’s Day.
Taurus – 4/20-5/20
The bull. Ah, the bull. You are done with the bull sh*t this year and will take no prisoners, because Mercury headbutts the North Star. A relentless and alarming amount of force will launch you in pursuit of your wildest fantasies. “Wildest” is not used lightly here. No question you’ll have a date on Valentine’s Day. Good god.
Gemini – 5/21-6/21
The twins. Bland things come in twos these days, eh, Gemini? This year ’tis the same as last, which ’twas indistinguishable from the prior. Constant constellations will prevent events from altering your dull aura in ’14. The paint on your walls may fade, but no one can tell light beige from lighter beige. You might go to a movie with friends on Valentine’s Day, but the holiday will have nothing to do with it.
Cancer – 6/22-7/22
The crab. Crab? More like CARB. You start eating on the 1st and don’t stop until never. Wear the weight proudly, sweet Cancer. Saturn illuminates your indulgance. You deserve to release the shackles of self-restraint and eat pray love your way to an excessive 2014. You’ll have options on Valentine’s. Accept all offers and do not look back, unless it is to admire your lucious bottom.
Leo – 7/23-8/22
The lion. Embrace your inner woman this year, Leo. Wear the reddest lipsticks and the tallest stillettos. Do the HUNTING for once, you Lioness! All genders and species can benefit from Venus’ calculated bewitchery of Jupiter. Cast spells and share feelings. The only date YOU need on Valentine’s Day is Amy and Tina and Baby Mama and CHOCOLATE!!!!
Virgo – 8/23-9/22
The virgin. 2014 will bring you much luck and challenges, as Neptune approaches Helio, the sun god. Challenge your luck by accepting these challenges, and luckily enough, you’ll find true luck. True luck waits. True luck challenges you to be luckier and truer. Truth Challenge sounds like a good board game. With any luck, you’ll answer to the challenge truthfully. Truest challenge? Get lucky on Valentine’s Day.
Libra – 9/23-10/22
The scales. Simplicity. Minimalism. These are your keywords in 2014, my Libras. Throw away your trashy knick knacks and sit in silence on the ground until you regain the balance you lost when you got drunk on Christmas and kissed your sister-in-law under the mistletoe then immediately threw up on Aunt June’s recycled materials nativity set. No dates on Single’s Awareness Day for you. Pluto isn’t a planet but it’s still orbiting.
Scorpio – 10/23-11/21
The scorpion. No offense Scorpio, but when Virgo enters Jupiter’s 8th Moon and orbits counter-ituitively, you know you’re in galactic trouble! Be on the look out for meteor-sized shifts in your “spacesuit”. Expect less star-gazing and more star-exploding. You’ll have a big bang on Valentine’s Day, but after that, romance essentially becomes a black hole for you.
Sagittarius – 11/23-12/21
The archer. Those of you on the brink of a big decision need to make a choice before Alpha Centauri wreaks constellation havoc on your zodiac. If you make the wrong decision, fix it. If you fix it and it still feels wrong, maybe you were supposed to have been born a frog instead of a person. You’ll have a date on Valentine’s Day. A date with destiny/a frog prince.
Capricorn – 12/22-1/19
The goat. NOW IS TIME – DIET START 2DAY. Gym membership ON IT CAPRICORN! Motivation rivaled only by RedBull-sponsored Olympic athletes and BEYONCE HERSELF. JUST DO IT GET IT DONE. Climb ev’ry mountain – TWICE. Hard body strong mind ample energy. 2-14-14 not but tiny BLIP on RADAR screen. MOON STILL STRONG IN SKY.
Aquarius – 1/20-2/18
The water bearer. That thing that you thought might happen will happen. That thing that you hoped wouldn’t happen, won’t happen. That thing that you have been thinking about is on your mind today. As the Sun rises in the east and sets in the west, so you shall have the most predictable Valentine’s Day you can imagine: Attached? Flowers. Single? Wine.
Pisces – 2/19-3/20
The fish. Ah, dear Pisces, Neptune fin’ly aligned itself with Orbitz 19th Sun – increasing duality of clairvoyance so oft present in thine sign. See thy future as clear as shallow Caribbean water – specifically by taking a vacation to thy Caribbean and looking into thy water. O, as Narcissus, ye selfish best! Valentine’s Day alone in thine own mind a boring fish dost ye make thine for where art thou roses by other names?