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KILL ALL COMEDY http://killallcomedy.com Sun, 26 Mar 2017 07:01:12 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=4.7.9 KILL ALL COMEDY KILL ALL COMEDY http://killallcomedy.com/wp-content/plugins/powerpress/rss_default.jpg http://killallcomedy.com Carla Plates – Lawyer! http://killallcomedy.com/carla-plates-lawyer/ Mon, 11 Aug 2014 19:35:33 +0000 http://killallcomedy.com/?p=3184

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Dog Jerks/Cat Sluts: Chapter 1000 http://killallcomedy.com/dog-jerkscat-sluts-chapter-1000/ Tue, 29 Jul 2014 17:34:02 +0000 http://killallcomedy.com/?p=3169 Walking down the endless slick marbled floors of the department store, winter just begun. The dogs and cats didn’t celebrate Christmas but they had a holiday that same day called “St. Fredruck’s Day” and it was the same thing. Walking down the center of the store, all white and gold with the pine wreaths and the sparkly stars hanging down from the center, where you could look up and see many more floors of clothing and furniture. I was drunk and I was old, fifty seven years, but I had a little bit of money at that time. I had run across some smart ass orphan earlier that week who had fucked me over in a bet and I decided it would be rather in character to take him in as my own, as his reward, in lieu of the bet payment. So the brat was staying in my home and getting hair all over the place, and it was all a terrible decision.

He’d demanded we go here, and here we were. “If you’re such a rich human piece of shit buy me some gifts then,” he said, and I really hated him. The papers were already in on putting him in the orphanage, but it would unfortunately take till after the holidays. And While I hated him, for sure, I had a very soft place in my heart for the gift giving holidays and when it comes to my principles I believe even nasty little dog boys deserve a gift when everyone else is getting one.

Well, he took off the second we stepped in the place and I didn’t have the energy to run after him. I’d sat in one of the seats outside the cat dressing rooms and taken to a bottle and time passed and before you knew it I was gone on booze and getting bad looks. Here I was then, stumbling through the watches and rings and perfumes, eyes alternately on the floor and up looking through the many floors up to the ceiling and the sparkly stars hanging on strings. At the exact center of the store I had stopped, as in my drunken stupor I had thought that view of the stars and the floors was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen, and in my mind all those stars turned into many great suns and the column of floors the great tunnel of time and space where they danced, and then through this beauty came sailing a TV and it fell down the many stories and right past face and it landed so close a shard of TV screen went and cut me in my leg before i knew what had happened.

Well it was the boy. Seemed he’d gone nuts and caused a scene. He screamed from the seventh story, “I’d meant to kill you!” and went off running. More and more I could hear screams from the top of the store. In a running limp I got in the glass elevator. As it ascended I saw a great and terrible mess on every floor and as I arrived at the seventh I could see the boy across the way, surrounded by police. Not department security, armed professionals, these were real deal cops, and the boy had a gun pointed at them and a couple of hostages too. I’d wonder how long this had been going on and If I had really been so out of it as to not discover it untill now. And I wondered, the kid was annoying for sure, but a psychopath? It seemed a tad out of character, but I suppose I’d never gotten to know him too well, and he did fuck me over in that bet, which is out of character for children to do to adults.

As I sat and pondered in the elevator a bullet came shattering through the glass window of the elevator. It, unfortunately, missed my sad face and went through the open door blasting some poor old cat’s head off and all over the place. I ducked through the door and went scrambling to the ground. A round of bullets sounded and the room went silent. In the coming minutes i was to find the boy’s body shot up by cop bullets, and we were all to be ushered to the bottom floor to be asked questions. I snuck into a stairwell, bolted down to street level and took off for my car. When the child protective agency were to learn of this, I was to be “fucked.”  How was I to explain I let him stay in my home because of old movies I’d seen? Also FOR SURE he found that gun in my place. This is the sort of thing that gets you put in jail, and when it comes to jail I don’t go for dumb shit like this that’s not even all the way my fault. The good thing was all they knew was I had a kid to give them, not who the kid was.

What I needed now was another kiddo, who would not only be willing to repeat my story, but be willing to go to an orphanage for a time. I headed south of the shopping district to where all the homeless kids hung, and drove down the street real slow. I was in a panic and wasn’t going off much more than looks so when I saw a kid that was a black lab, like the other kid was, I beckoned him in the car, and as street kids, I’ve found, are wont to do, he obliged. I explained to him my plan and the score. I would take him to my home, he would sleep on my comfortable couch for a little bit, and then he would go to an orphanage where he would say I was a kind man who saved him from the street and he was excited to live in the orphanage. A week later I was to come by the orphanage and bust him out using a laundry man’s ruse, hiding him in dirty clothes etc.

I looked him in his eyes then and asked “How much is something like this worth to you, payment to be made, of course, after the busting out.” It’s always best, I’ve found, to let a child make the first move in any negotiation as they usually go low, for they do not know the value of money. The dog boy looked up for the first time and growled “10,000 cash.” “Woah,” I thought. “You gotta be kidding me,” I then thought. “pfwuah!” I sputtered. Well now I was up a rope, the kid wasn’t fucking around, and was likely a young professional criminal. He knew I couldn’t go to anyone else cause he had info I couldn’t let out, and that this gave him the leverage. I had to accept his offer, and just to confuse him a bit I offered him twelve thousand. I drove him to my home, where he ate steak every day, and drank brandy at night. The plan went accordingly. He said what I told him, they took him off to the orphanage and I let him rot in there because fuck him. He should owe me twelve thousand for that life lesson.

Chapter 243 Dog Jerk/Cat Sluts

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A short story http://killallcomedy.com/a-short-story/ Thu, 05 Jun 2014 21:33:33 +0000 http://killallcomedy.com/?p=3164 A man and a woman met through mutual friends.  The moment he saw her he wanted to suck her tits dry and fuck her brains out. A couple of weeks went by before they were in the same room again; a birthday party for so-and-so. The woman did not talk to him but she did notice his eyes following her every move that night. She tried not to give this man another thought but it was clear he was interested.  At one point, he looked at her like he wanted to fuck her (which he did). That made her feel weird so she frowned a little bit to punish him. It was time for so-and-so to blow out the candles but the woman suddenly found herself wondering what the man’s butt would look like pumping into her puss puss. She thought it was OK.  She imagined being married to the man, looking into his eyes and feeling proud.  At this point she didn’t care too much whether this was going to happen or not, but she decided to go ahead and throw her best game at him.  The woman did indeed put on her best game and the man reacted to her liking.  She thought it was incredible that he caught on so quickly.She could tell he was a good boy and that he really wanted to nail her.  She was getting in the mood now too…

They dated for many years.  Life was better when the other was around.  Even though he knew her inside and out, the man was still nervous as fuck when it came time to propose marriage to her.  She said yes and he knew that it was an opportunity for him to become the man he was destined to become.

They wed and waited a bit before having two children: a boy and a girl.  The woman and man worked their asses off to keep the damn kids happy and fed. Mostly just fed. On the whole, life was pretty good for the family. The boy didn’t do well in school but was charismatic. The young girl excelled in music but no one, besides a kind elderly neighbor, encouraged her to keep up with the work. She began to smoke pot with assholes behind restaurant dumpsters. They didn’t have to say it to one another, but the boy and girl loved and respected the hell out one another.

One day, the boy decided to goof off extra hard and be a grand old punk in front of his friends at a birthday party for so-and-so. He drank a fuck load of beer from a keg. Suddenly he realized that everyone at the party was a huge douche-bag so he got into his car and took it for a drive.

It was the kind, elderly neighbor who was the first to come running out of her home into the cul-de-sac that night.  She had been woken up by the devastating screams coming from the man and woman’s home. They had just found out that the boy crashed into a cement barrier going 90mph and was dead upon impact.

After that, life was not the same for the woman and the man. What was left of their relationship with their daughter they neglected to maintain. The girl left, married young, and has a family of her own.

As for the man and woman, they tried to pick up the pieces and move on.  It was hard but they at least had each other.  As the woman aged, she grew an affinity for sweet things like fig cookies and white wine. Her ass grew wider than the Nile. The man barely ate.  At some point he had grown sick of watching people eat so he would take his dinner of salty chips on the way home from work. The nice, elderly neighbor said that the man would stay up all night in the garage watching TV. She knew this because she saw him in there once with all the lights on at 3am.

The man’s mother (and only living parent) was now very old and suffering from dementia.  The man could not afford to check her into a decent hospice. After agonizing over his options for a week, he decided to call his older brother whom he hadn’t seen since the boy’s funeral. The brother agreed to foot the hospice bill and told him it would be nice to see him sometime. The man hung up the phone and felt incredible. It has been a while since he got what he wanted. Upon seeing the look of relief on her husband’s face, the woman became aroused. She realized that the man had become what she imagined he could have become all those years ago.  Yes of course the man was unhappy-she knew that. But instead of taking it out on other people, he kept quietly to himself. The man never complained in that way. He still told her he loved her; that she was beautiful. Despite all their hardships, he never stopped being himself.

The woman decided to pinch her pennies to get him the ultimate gift. Five months later she placed a blank check in his hand and told him to go out and get whatever it is that he wanted.  Before he could ask questions she told him that they have the money and to get the fuck out of her face for the day. About 3 hours later he pulled into the driveway in a 2014 Chevy Camero – midnight blue. Upon seeing the smile on her old husband’s face, the woman pulled the man inside, dropped her elastic-waist jeans, and fucked him dry.  That night the man slept in his car but the woman didn’t mind a fucking bit. It was nice not to be next to him for a change.

In the morning he went back into the house and cooked her breakfast.  He silently cried as he looked into her haggardly face. He told her that from the first moment he laid eyes on her, he wanted to suck her tits dry and fuck her brains out. “Bill” she said, “I’ve been married to you for 38 years and gave birth to two kids. From the looks of it, you got what you wanted.”

That was the happiest day of his life.

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FRIENDS: The One Where Ross and Monica Are Siblings http://killallcomedy.com/friends-the-one-where-ross-and-monica-are-siblings/ Sun, 25 May 2014 01:35:03 +0000 http://killallcomedy.com/?p=3161 Hey guys, here is a cool epi of Friends what I wrote.  If anyone knows these Friends guys, give them my email address – crocodilehunter2@crocodilehunterthemovie.com

Okay, open on Cafe.  Joey and Rachel are drinking lattes when Ross enters.  He looks disheveled and distraught.

JOEY: Hey Ross.

ROSS: Oh no, I think I did something bad.  I think I slept with Monica.  Monica is my sister and a member of our group of friends.  I slept with her oh no.

RACHEL: Nag nag nag

ROSS: Shut up, Rachel.  Did you hear what I said?  I smushed my naughty parts with my blood related sister.  Her name is Monica and you live with her in New York City.

RACHEL: Oh yes, I know Monica.  Ew your sister!  You know what that means.

ROSS: What?

JOEY: We all sleep with Monica?

[Audience laughs]

RACHEL:  No, Joey.  It means that you have to kill yourself.

ROSS: What?  Me?  I have to kill myself?

RACHEL: Yes, of shame.

JOEY: Can we watch?

[Audience laughs]

ROSS: Yes, you can watch.  [looks out to audience]  You all will watch.  Let me get this gun–

THE END

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Fuggedaboutit http://killallcomedy.com/fuggedaboutit/ Sat, 17 May 2014 19:36:44 +0000 http://killallcomedy.com/?p=3154

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Kill All Comedy Mixtape 4 http://killallcomedy.com/kill-all-comedy-mixtape-4/ Thu, 08 May 2014 17:28:33 +0000 http://killallcomedy.com/?p=3148

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Carmen Shreds! RATED X – Not for kids http://killallcomedy.com/carmen-shreds-rated-x-not-for-kids/ Tue, 06 May 2014 20:43:18 +0000 http://killallcomedy.com/?p=3135 https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=GeznQqQG85c

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P;leas Help http://killallcomedy.com/pleas-help/ Thu, 01 May 2014 21:26:16 +0000 http://killallcomedy.com/?p=3131 Please.

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Sarah Palin is the New Face of Wet ‘N Wild Cosmetics http://killallcomedy.com/sarah-palin-is-the-new-face-of-wet-n-wild-cosmetics/ Fri, 25 Apr 2014 21:16:08 +0000 http://killallcomedy.com/?p=3122 JUNEAU, AL — Just after Garnier made Tina Fey the new face of their skincare line, Los Angeles based company, Wet ‘n Wild, made Sarah Palin the new face of their cosmetics.

Palin Wet n Wild

“Wet ‘n Wild is very excited to have Sarah Palin on board,” said a Wet ‘n Wild spokesperson. “In no way are we copying Garnier. Did Garnier say we were copying them? ‘Cause we’re not.”

Palin will begin appearing in ads all over the country starting next month, with the hopes that she will eventually be featured prominently on billboards and in magazines directly next to any Garnier ads featuring Fey.

“We swear that we had this idea way before Garnier did anything with … um, what is her name…?” the Wet ‘n Wild employee trailed off and then pretended to faint at this point in the interview.

When reached for comment, Sarah Palin stated that she agreed to get “dolled up in reds, whites, and blues” for “any company that likes gettin’ wet and gettin’ wild!”

Her publicist added that Palin plans on wearing much of the Spring 2014 cosmetic line during upcoming television and public appearances, to which the Wet ‘n Wild employee replied uncertainly, “This is so perfect for our teen demographic. Sarah Palin is super approachable and normal. She is a good role model for women who care about their self-worth, brains, bodies, and decisions.”

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5 Cute Easter Outfits for Every Woman’s Unfertilized Eggs http://killallcomedy.com/5-cute-easter-outfits-for-every-womans-unfertilized-eggs/ Fri, 18 Apr 2014 20:45:24 +0000 http://killallcomedy.com/?p=3111 TGIGF! Thank God It’s Good Friday!
That means this Sunday we will celebrate Christ’s ressurrection and prepare for the Easter Bunny to hide eggs around our homes and yards, so that we may seek them out, discover the treasures hidden within, and prosper from the tiny ovals that remind us of fertility and spring.
However, for women, this holiday is so much more. It is the time of year we can celebrate our unfertilized ovarian eggs by dressing them up in cute outfits! Who needs a good man to give you perfect children when there’s cute clothing to buy?! Here are five must-have outfits for YOUR little Easter eggs!

1. Pink Bunny
Everyone will fawn like a baby deer over this adorable, fuzzy pink costume! Your egg will be warm and comfrotable, not to mention festive! Perfect for eggs you hope would be girls.
Egg1
2. Handsome Man
With these complementary pastel hues and a smart collar, you can show off a dignified and refined egg at any Easter gathering. The bowtie adds an extra touch of class! Excellent choice for unfertilized eggs that might be boys.
Egg2
3. Playful Spirit
Easter is very much about reacquainting oneself with the natural world – so let your egg run around in the green grass wearing these fun overalls! Perfect for any egg, this outfit is unisex and fits loosely for maximum mobility. The carrot detail on the front adds an effortless touch of whimsy.
Egg3
4. Imaginative Dyes
Try approaching your egg’s outfit from a more artistic standpoint by following the masters and giving your egg a magical makeover, like this Starry Night ensemble! All the fun of decorating eggs, without the same old pinks and blues reminding you of gender possibilities.
Egg4
5. Dream Guy
Decorate your egg to resemble your ideal baby daddy. Choose significant, telling features like bright blue eyes and chisled jaw lines. Even if this man is already married to one of the world’s most famous actresses, has adopted and fathered like, 10 kids with her? Still decorate your damn egg because life is long and sometimes when you want something bad enough Brad Pitt knocks on your door, right???? Then he’s like, “Angie is nothing! You are everything!” Then you’re like, “Hurry I only have so many eggs left you idiot!!!!!!” You might sound desperate and sad but your egg will look hot.
Egg5
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