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Uncategorized – KILL ALL COMEDY http://killallcomedy.com Sun, 26 Mar 2017 07:01:12 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=4.7.9 Uncategorized – KILL ALL COMEDY Uncategorized – KILL ALL COMEDY http://killallcomedy.com/wp-content/plugins/powerpress/rss_default.jpg http://killallcomedy.com/category/uncategorized/ Dog Jerks/Cat Sluts: Chapter 1000 http://killallcomedy.com/dog-jerkscat-sluts-chapter-1000/ Tue, 29 Jul 2014 17:34:02 +0000 http://killallcomedy.com/?p=3169 Walking down the endless slick marbled floors of the department store, winter just begun. The dogs and cats didn’t celebrate Christmas but they had a holiday that same day called “St. Fredruck’s Day” and it was the same thing. Walking down the center of the store, all white and gold with the pine wreaths and the sparkly stars hanging down from the center, where you could look up and see many more floors of clothing and furniture. I was drunk and I was old, fifty seven years, but I had a little bit of money at that time. I had run across some smart ass orphan earlier that week who had fucked me over in a bet and I decided it would be rather in character to take him in as my own, as his reward, in lieu of the bet payment. So the brat was staying in my home and getting hair all over the place, and it was all a terrible decision.

He’d demanded we go here, and here we were. “If you’re such a rich human piece of shit buy me some gifts then,” he said, and I really hated him. The papers were already in on putting him in the orphanage, but it would unfortunately take till after the holidays. And While I hated him, for sure, I had a very soft place in my heart for the gift giving holidays and when it comes to my principles I believe even nasty little dog boys deserve a gift when everyone else is getting one.

Well, he took off the second we stepped in the place and I didn’t have the energy to run after him. I’d sat in one of the seats outside the cat dressing rooms and taken to a bottle and time passed and before you knew it I was gone on booze and getting bad looks. Here I was then, stumbling through the watches and rings and perfumes, eyes alternately on the floor and up looking through the many floors up to the ceiling and the sparkly stars hanging on strings. At the exact center of the store I had stopped, as in my drunken stupor I had thought that view of the stars and the floors was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen, and in my mind all those stars turned into many great suns and the column of floors the great tunnel of time and space where they danced, and then through this beauty came sailing a TV and it fell down the many stories and right past face and it landed so close a shard of TV screen went and cut me in my leg before i knew what had happened.

Well it was the boy. Seemed he’d gone nuts and caused a scene. He screamed from the seventh story, “I’d meant to kill you!” and went off running. More and more I could hear screams from the top of the store. In a running limp I got in the glass elevator. As it ascended I saw a great and terrible mess on every floor and as I arrived at the seventh I could see the boy across the way, surrounded by police. Not department security, armed professionals, these were real deal cops, and the boy had a gun pointed at them and a couple of hostages too. I’d wonder how long this had been going on and If I had really been so out of it as to not discover it untill now. And I wondered, the kid was annoying for sure, but a psychopath? It seemed a tad out of character, but I suppose I’d never gotten to know him too well, and he did fuck me over in that bet, which is out of character for children to do to adults.

As I sat and pondered in the elevator a bullet came shattering through the glass window of the elevator. It, unfortunately, missed my sad face and went through the open door blasting some poor old cat’s head off and all over the place. I ducked through the door and went scrambling to the ground. A round of bullets sounded and the room went silent. In the coming minutes i was to find the boy’s body shot up by cop bullets, and we were all to be ushered to the bottom floor to be asked questions. I snuck into a stairwell, bolted down to street level and took off for my car. When the child protective agency were to learn of this, I was to be “fucked.”  How was I to explain I let him stay in my home because of old movies I’d seen? Also FOR SURE he found that gun in my place. This is the sort of thing that gets you put in jail, and when it comes to jail I don’t go for dumb shit like this that’s not even all the way my fault. The good thing was all they knew was I had a kid to give them, not who the kid was.

What I needed now was another kiddo, who would not only be willing to repeat my story, but be willing to go to an orphanage for a time. I headed south of the shopping district to where all the homeless kids hung, and drove down the street real slow. I was in a panic and wasn’t going off much more than looks so when I saw a kid that was a black lab, like the other kid was, I beckoned him in the car, and as street kids, I’ve found, are wont to do, he obliged. I explained to him my plan and the score. I would take him to my home, he would sleep on my comfortable couch for a little bit, and then he would go to an orphanage where he would say I was a kind man who saved him from the street and he was excited to live in the orphanage. A week later I was to come by the orphanage and bust him out using a laundry man’s ruse, hiding him in dirty clothes etc.

I looked him in his eyes then and asked “How much is something like this worth to you, payment to be made, of course, after the busting out.” It’s always best, I’ve found, to let a child make the first move in any negotiation as they usually go low, for they do not know the value of money. The dog boy looked up for the first time and growled “10,000 cash.” “Woah,” I thought. “You gotta be kidding me,” I then thought. “pfwuah!” I sputtered. Well now I was up a rope, the kid wasn’t fucking around, and was likely a young professional criminal. He knew I couldn’t go to anyone else cause he had info I couldn’t let out, and that this gave him the leverage. I had to accept his offer, and just to confuse him a bit I offered him twelve thousand. I drove him to my home, where he ate steak every day, and drank brandy at night. The plan went accordingly. He said what I told him, they took him off to the orphanage and I let him rot in there because fuck him. He should owe me twelve thousand for that life lesson.

Chapter 243 Dog Jerk/Cat Sluts

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A short story http://killallcomedy.com/a-short-story/ Thu, 05 Jun 2014 21:33:33 +0000 http://killallcomedy.com/?p=3164 A man and a woman met through mutual friends.  The moment he saw her he wanted to suck her tits dry and fuck her brains out. A couple of weeks went by before they were in the same room again; a birthday party for so-and-so. The woman did not talk to him but she did notice his eyes following her every move that night. She tried not to give this man another thought but it was clear he was interested.  At one point, he looked at her like he wanted to fuck her (which he did). That made her feel weird so she frowned a little bit to punish him. It was time for so-and-so to blow out the candles but the woman suddenly found herself wondering what the man’s butt would look like pumping into her puss puss. She thought it was OK.  She imagined being married to the man, looking into his eyes and feeling proud.  At this point she didn’t care too much whether this was going to happen or not, but she decided to go ahead and throw her best game at him.  The woman did indeed put on her best game and the man reacted to her liking.  She thought it was incredible that he caught on so quickly.She could tell he was a good boy and that he really wanted to nail her.  She was getting in the mood now too…

They dated for many years.  Life was better when the other was around.  Even though he knew her inside and out, the man was still nervous as fuck when it came time to propose marriage to her.  She said yes and he knew that it was an opportunity for him to become the man he was destined to become.

They wed and waited a bit before having two children: a boy and a girl.  The woman and man worked their asses off to keep the damn kids happy and fed. Mostly just fed. On the whole, life was pretty good for the family. The boy didn’t do well in school but was charismatic. The young girl excelled in music but no one, besides a kind elderly neighbor, encouraged her to keep up with the work. She began to smoke pot with assholes behind restaurant dumpsters. They didn’t have to say it to one another, but the boy and girl loved and respected the hell out one another.

One day, the boy decided to goof off extra hard and be a grand old punk in front of his friends at a birthday party for so-and-so. He drank a fuck load of beer from a keg. Suddenly he realized that everyone at the party was a huge douche-bag so he got into his car and took it for a drive.

It was the kind, elderly neighbor who was the first to come running out of her home into the cul-de-sac that night.  She had been woken up by the devastating screams coming from the man and woman’s home. They had just found out that the boy crashed into a cement barrier going 90mph and was dead upon impact.

After that, life was not the same for the woman and the man. What was left of their relationship with their daughter they neglected to maintain. The girl left, married young, and has a family of her own.

As for the man and woman, they tried to pick up the pieces and move on.  It was hard but they at least had each other.  As the woman aged, she grew an affinity for sweet things like fig cookies and white wine. Her ass grew wider than the Nile. The man barely ate.  At some point he had grown sick of watching people eat so he would take his dinner of salty chips on the way home from work. The nice, elderly neighbor said that the man would stay up all night in the garage watching TV. She knew this because she saw him in there once with all the lights on at 3am.

The man’s mother (and only living parent) was now very old and suffering from dementia.  The man could not afford to check her into a decent hospice. After agonizing over his options for a week, he decided to call his older brother whom he hadn’t seen since the boy’s funeral. The brother agreed to foot the hospice bill and told him it would be nice to see him sometime. The man hung up the phone and felt incredible. It has been a while since he got what he wanted. Upon seeing the look of relief on her husband’s face, the woman became aroused. She realized that the man had become what she imagined he could have become all those years ago.  Yes of course the man was unhappy-she knew that. But instead of taking it out on other people, he kept quietly to himself. The man never complained in that way. He still told her he loved her; that she was beautiful. Despite all their hardships, he never stopped being himself.

The woman decided to pinch her pennies to get him the ultimate gift. Five months later she placed a blank check in his hand and told him to go out and get whatever it is that he wanted.  Before he could ask questions she told him that they have the money and to get the fuck out of her face for the day. About 3 hours later he pulled into the driveway in a 2014 Chevy Camero – midnight blue. Upon seeing the smile on her old husband’s face, the woman pulled the man inside, dropped her elastic-waist jeans, and fucked him dry.  That night the man slept in his car but the woman didn’t mind a fucking bit. It was nice not to be next to him for a change.

In the morning he went back into the house and cooked her breakfast.  He silently cried as he looked into her haggardly face. He told her that from the first moment he laid eyes on her, he wanted to suck her tits dry and fuck her brains out. “Bill” she said, “I’ve been married to you for 38 years and gave birth to two kids. From the looks of it, you got what you wanted.”

That was the happiest day of his life.

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P;leas Help http://killallcomedy.com/pleas-help/ Thu, 01 May 2014 21:26:16 +0000 http://killallcomedy.com/?p=3131 Please.

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KILL ALL COMEDY @ THE HIDEOUT TONIGHT! http://killallcomedy.com/kill-all-comedy-the-hideout-tonight/ Fri, 24 Jan 2014 16:33:44 +0000 http://killallcomedy.com/?p=3047

KAC_wettest show final

Kill All Comedy’s back at The Hideout for their monthly show. $5. 6:30.

Featuring:

Aaron “Soak’d” Alonso

Sarah “Spillz” Ashley

Lee “Dripping” Barats

Matt “Moist” Barats

Christina “Slippery When” Boucher

Carmen “H2O-Face” Christopher

Annie “It’s the Humidity” Donley

Brian “Trench Foot” McGovern

Jeff “Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man” Murdoch

John “God’s Piss” Reynolds

Jo “Can Never Be Dry” Scott

and Directed by Anthony “His Roommates Are Whales” Oberbeck

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An Urgent Reply is Needed http://killallcomedy.com/an-urgent-reply-is-needed/ Tue, 07 Jan 2014 19:28:54 +0000 http://killallcomedy.com/?p=3000 WC1

 

Good day
Private message to you,

As you read the mail, you should sympatize with my current situation and assistnt me .  My name is Webecca Carmel  I was narrowly escaped from the tsunami disaster which affected my spinal cord and also my ear drum and claim the lifes of my entire family, husband (Denis caromel) and two sons (Ugugo and ToMay-May careolmel) who went for holidays in Sri-Lanka!.!

Right now I  in Kuala LamPOOR Malaysha.  I was disabled by the catastrophe and now on a wheel cheer . I am now resorted to a pile of bones that do not work. my skin is wretched and itches , and to top it of I cannot heare the cry of my children but I know they do.

Sadly I have no pictures left of my sons only my memories. I try to draw them but my paralysis truly disrupts my artistry

 

boys     The boys at school?

 

I have not lived my life so well. my interest and focus was only on my late fathers business though my father is very rich and very never generous. But now I regret all this,.The THE BIBLE SAYS WHA SHALL IT PROFIT A MAN TO WINE THE WORLD AND LOOSE HIS SOUL. I believe when God gives me a second chance to come to this world  as a domestic cat I will live my life a different way from how I have lived before.?>  now I  give to charity and give succor and comfort to the less privileged in our societies.

My helth is so sad you should see the way I look now. that this is why am soliciting your assistant to make this dough through you. The last of my late fathers money that am willing to donate to the less privileged right now of $10.6M USD that is concealed in a consignment  for safekeeping which he intends to invest on profitable factory (whale hunt)

If you are willing and ready to assist with this project,please e-mail me at isabecaromel900@.com without delay, while I wait to hear from you.Thanks once again for your kindness may God guide and reward you in all your endeavors as you make me realize my last dreams and wishes?

Pls?

Remain blessed art thuo,
Mrs.Webessa Caromezel

 

WC2

 

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True American Thanksgiving Secrets Revealed! http://killallcomedy.com/true-american-thanksgiving-secrets-revealed/ Wed, 27 Nov 2013 15:45:14 +0000 http://killallcomedy.com/?p=2956 With Thanksgiving just around the corner it may be easy to rest on complacency and relax in ignorance, but those seeking truth should always remain vigilant, even on holidays. American Thanksgiving may seem like a time to be grateful for family and friends, but it was designed by the architects of control and manipulation to indoctrinate the population with their set of wicked ideals. Don’t believe me? All you have to do is OPEN your EYES at take a closer look at what’s in front of you. For example, look at Norman Rockwell’s iconic painting “Freedom from Want.”

Rockwell-originalWhat appears to be a heartwarming portrait of an American family enjoying American Thanksgiving is anything but. There appears to be an assortment of green vegetables in a serving dish on the center of the table. Vegetables nourish us and provide good health and nutrients. The color green represents life, one of the promised virtues of the Declaration of Independence. Right? WRONG! When you take a closer look you can see there aren’t green veggies, just green backs, and that green isn’t the color of life… it’s the color of MONEY!

Rockwell-money

A stack of money! Right in the middle of the table! Never noticed that, did you? Well you might not have noticed this either. What may seem like glasses of clear, pristine water is something much more sinister. America may stretch from sea to shining sea but this money hungry country only wants to wash down it plate of dollar bills with a  nice, black cup of… OIL!

Rockwell-oil

Oil for dinner? Whether it’s starting wars over it or dumping it on top of baby ducks, America loves to fill it’s bottomless belly with the stuff for breakfast, lunch, AND dinner. If you think Rockwell’s American Dream is starting to look like a nightmare, grab your teddy bear before you take a CLOSER LOOK at this…

That turkey isn’t stuffed with stuffing, it’s jammed to the butt brim with the special interests of GREEDY CORPORATIONS: Halliburton! Walmart! Sbarro! – all of them stick their business in that turkey’s business so they can have their stromboli and eat it too. Don’t believe me? Well,see for yourself…

Rockwell-corporations

Sure you might not have noticed that in the painting before, but what’s wrong with sticking it to some dead turkey, you may ask? Nothing at all, unless that turkey wasn’t a turkey after all. Why don’t you take a closer look…

Rockwell-working manTHE TURKEY IS THE WORKING MAN! America delights in pulling apart the good, honest laborers of the world limb from limb. This country allows businesses to “screw” workers overseas with unsafe work conditions and here at home with unfair wage gaps. Not feeling so grateful are you? Well at least there is some sweet, wholesome fruit on the table. America can’t destroy fruit. Or can it? Why don’t you take a CLOSER LOOK at that bowl at the bottom of the painting…

Rockwell-bobbysTHE FRUITS ARE ALL BOBBY KENNEDYS! If Bobby Kennedy wasn’t killed there would be 88% less problems (Harvard Study). THEY know this. The TRUTH is out there! Read Wikipedia!

Now why would the kind patriarch at the head of the table allow this? What…WHA!?!?! Um, you might want to take a closer look because…

Rockwell-Reagan 1THAT OLD MAN IS RONALD REAGAN! The true king of the United Secret Government of America, Ronald Reagan is serving up the beaten and battered lower class to the complacent, unknowing masses. But now that the truth is revealed, shouldn’t they rise up against their oppressor? Well maybe we should TAKE A CLOSER LOOK to see if they really are so “unknowing”…

Rockwell-all ReagansTHEY’RE ALL RONALD REAGAN! Everyone in America, whether they know it or not, is actually Ronald Reagan. Put that in your stromboli and Sbarro it!

Please, on Thursday DO NOT celebrate American Thanksgiving. It centers around genocide, greed, and evil. If you want to celebrate with friends and family, please celebrate European Thanksgiving. They do it right: free medicine for dessert, the turkey was hand fed only the finest Nordic seafood, and the racism is subtle – like the tastes in all the good wine they’ll sip on around the European Thanksgiving table. Also, try to reduce waste and buy your turkey at a thrift store if you can.

Remember, when you give thanks during American Thanksgiving you are saying yes to oil and dead Bobbys and Sbarro. And that’s not all. Remember that guy in the bottom right corner? Well, why don’t you take…A CLOSER LOOK…

Rockwell-the devilBe safe and GOD BLESS!

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The Real Single Ladies starring Amber Gerencher http://killallcomedy.com/the-real-single-ladies-starring-amber-gerencher/ Sun, 17 Nov 2013 19:29:18 +0000 http://killallcomedy.com/?p=2925

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Jean’s Blog – Real Beauty, Real Lady http://killallcomedy.com/jeans-blog-real-beauty-real-lady/ Fri, 25 Oct 2013 02:57:28 +0000 http://killallcomedy.com/?p=2885 Makeup Tutorial #1: The Basics

 

 

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The Untrolled Story Pt. 3: For Whom the Bell Trolls http://killallcomedy.com/the-untrolled-story-pt-3-for-whom-the-bell-trolls/ Thu, 03 Oct 2013 14:00:50 +0000 http://killallcomedy.com/?p=2823 Hi guys. Anyone up on the news? You see this? You hear about this? Apparently the whole dang thing is coming down.

Tear down paradise

big cats

pros and cons

Fat people stink

judge judy

Navy is number 1

Shut up Helen

terrorforming

Wife law

already guilty

gopsel

Well, back to work. God is love!

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NEW ITEM!!!! NEW ITEM ARRIVAL!!! CHOPPER GLASSES! WEST COAST LOOK!!!! http://killallcomedy.com/new-item-new-item-arrival-chopper-glasses-west-coast-look/ Mon, 16 Sep 2013 18:45:01 +0000 http://killallcomedy.com/?p=2761 spr9
Item condition:New with tags
Time left: 4h 6m 59s
 Starting bid:
US $8.99
[ 0 bid ]chopper-x2-sunglasses-yellow-4

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Price: US $11.69
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 DG EYEWARE CHOPPER SUNGLASSES
 chopper
If you’re a hard-working American who is sick of garbage sunglasses, these glasses are for you. Protection against any harmful UV rays and chemicals used in chemical warfare.  Don’t let any mongrel take away your god-given right to sight. These babies are also armageddon-tested and approved. Worn by ben afflick in armageddon.  24/7 eye protection against all things under the middle eastern sun.

Choppers Night Vision Yellow Lens—Protect against Y2K!

 

jessie-james-yellow-sunglasses  casualDG EYEWARE

 

  • Chopper style provides comfort  on your hog
  • Yellow colored UV protection lens. Can’t bust ‘em
  • The sides have Choppers written on it, baby
  • Designer stylings at budget prices. I can’t go lower if I tried!!!!
  • Sick frames. Period.
  • Measures 5 and 1/2 inch’s from temple to temple.
  • Be sure to check out  all the different styles and colors in my Ebay store.

Should you have any issues with your purchase. Please email me before placing feedback. I have excellent customer service. I will do everything for you.

DG Eyewear is a registered trademark and not affiliated with the Italian D & G brand. These sunglasses are not the designer D&G sunglasses made in Italy.

ebay-turbo-lister

 

:: ABOUT MY STORE ::

About 10 years ago I purchased my first computer originally for business reasons. At this time I sold new and used cars for a living. Like most people learning the computer was slow going. I almost immediately found out how to gamble online and I got hooked in chat forums. I spent hours online and it ruined my life.  I spent my honeymoon at the hotel chatting to 30 somethings who posed as my friend-turned out they scammed me for every last dime I owned and my wife left me the next month.  One good thing about the internet was that I came across eBay’s auction site. I purchased two or three items through eBay and right then I was fukkin hooked. My older brother was selling sunglasses and other NASCAR items out of the garage. He gave me a few different styles of sunglasses to list on eBay. The first 6 months my sales were kind of slow. I sold two pairs but one was returned from some 10 y/o buyer who tried to tell me he never wore the glasses and they came to him broken. Im not stupid and I could see the fingerprints on the glasses and paint chipped away. O well you have to spend money to make money my brother sed and so I lost that pair down the garbage. I was so pissed but The longer your in business, The better you become. After spending every last penny I owned, I made two small changes: trust no one and learn to type 135 wpm. From that point on, My sales nearly doubled. I decided to retire from car sales and go full time with eBay. The freedom is second to none.

The automobile business has shown me how important customer satisfaction is. You are to treat every customer as you want to be treated yourself. I ship within 24 hours of receiving your payment. If your item arrives broken or defective, You will receive a full refund Including shipping and handling charges. No bullshit. If you find a different deal that is too good to be true, it probably is. People are waiting to scam you online and will stop at nothing to destroy the life you made for yourself. You animals know who you are-scum of the earth. If you are tired of this, these glasses are for you. Visit my store for more deals on chopper gear and hog swag.

 

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!THANK YOU FOR VISITING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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