Blow Your Man’s Mind This Valentine’s Day in 8 Easy Steps

Blow Your Man’s Mind This Valentine’s Day in 8 Easy Steps

Valentine’s Day is best day of the year to give your sweetheart some treats. Sure, everyone knows about chocolates and cute candy-shaped hearts, but this year try giving your man a treat he’ll really enjoy (AND that he’ll talk about with all his buddies at the fitness center!). Just in time for the most romantic day of the year, here is one sex trick that will blow your man’s mind in 8 easy steps!

STEP ONE

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Start off in the reverse cowgirl position. Your man will love that you’re totally in control as you ride him just how you both like it. You go, girl…IN REVERSE!

STEP TWO

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Break out your paint swatches, because this next move is 50 shades of SEXY. Tie your man’s hands to your bedpost with one of his business ties to get him to stop thinking about G-mail and start thinking about your G-Spot!

STEP THREE

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Right before things get too hot and heavy, dismount to get him wanting more. Try reciting one of your favorite chants from the Ouxaxacolttyl Book of the Dead. As darkness envelopes you and your body begins to rise, your man’s muscles will twitch and contort uncontrollably. Moments before you slip into a trance it may seem like he’s in agonizing pain, but without pain how can a mortal truly understand bliss? Trust us, he won’t stop talking about it at his next work people alcohol-drinking session!

STEP FOUR

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Now focus on the matter in your body. Our Blood Lord Ouaxaxacolttyl once told the small child “Size and strength is nothing more than a state of mind,” so locate your universal center and command the molecules inside of you to compress into that center. You will feel yourself shrink down to atomic size. As you do this, your man’s powerful seizures will have undoubtedly broken many of his bones. Don’t worry! It’s just part of the fun!

STEP FIVE

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Now that you’re microscopically slim dive into your man’s dick hole. As you move through the inside of his shaft try moving your tongue counter-clockwise. He’ll literally have no idea what’s happening or what has become of you!

STEP SIX

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OK, this is where stuff gets kinky. Your body will be in an extremely feeble state due to the incredible molecular strain. You’ll need to recuperate in your man’s blood stream for 4 – 6 months. Just enough time for his body to heal and for him come to grips with the fact that you’re probably never coming back. Being a tease has never been so fun!

STEP SEVEN

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Now grow back to normal size while deep inside your man. Wear him like a body suit as he screams in pain and terror. After gaining control of his nervous system, turn the lights down low and light some candles. Sure, it’s cheesy, but a little old fashioned romance never hurt anyone!

STEP EIGHT

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Finally, heat your body with a simple demonic incantation. As you heat up, your man’s broken body will boil with anticipation. Just when you think he’s about to explode, tickle his balls. His skull will erupt as you burst out  like a blood-baptized butterfly. If that doesn’t blow his mind nothing will. Happy Valentine’s Day!