Okay, open on Cafe. Joey and Rachel are drinking lattes when Ross enters. He looks disheveled and distraught.
JOEY: Hey Ross.
ROSS: Oh no, I think I did something bad. I think I slept with Monica. Monica is my sister and a member of our group of friends. I slept with her oh no.
RACHEL: Nag nag nag
ROSS: Shut up, Rachel. Did you hear what I said? I smushed my naughty parts with my blood related sister. Her name is Monica and you live with her in New York City.
RACHEL: Oh yes, I know Monica. Ew your sister! You know what that means.
JOEY: We all sleep with Monica?
RACHEL: No, Joey. It means that you have to kill yourself.
ROSS: What? Me? I have to kill myself?
RACHEL: Yes, of shame.
JOEY: Can we watch?
ROSS: Yes, you can watch. [looks out to audience] You all will watch. Let me get this gun–
With the thrilling A-side “I Wasn’t Invited To My Neighbor’s Birthday Party” and the experimental but poppy B-side “I Bought a Dog But I Already Lost It,” Lorraine is set to be the summer of 2013’s reigning queen of the charts.
Made of clear red plastic and 3 minutes long on each side, there are only 24 cassettes available, so claim yours quickly!
Email firstname.lastname@example.org to claim your FREE cassette single, and come pick it up at the July 3rd Kill All Comedy show at the Upstairs Gallery, or tell me where to drop it off or mail it.
It helps if you have a cassette tape player so you can listen to it.
This is a very serious deal, and it is very real. This will NOT have an online release and bootlegging the audio from cassette to digital format is EXPRESSLY FORBIDDEN and VERY ILLEGAL. Violators will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law as soon as I can find money to hire lawyers.
We’re proud to announce that KILL ALL COMEDY will be performing in the Just for Laughs Festival in Chicago.
The show is on Saturday, June 15, at Stage 773 at 8:30pm.
Here is the show page.
BUY TICKETS HERE
The show is gonna be insane. I can’t say much more yet except that it will be spooooookyyyyy.]]>
for christmas, my grandkid got me an ipod and my other grandkid got me some speakers. i put on the who’s “won’t get fooled again” to serenade me while i took an old person shit (old folks know what i’m talkin bout!). unfortunately, i put it as the only song on a playlist. it’s been playing on a loop for 3 days. i used to like this song. sometimes i would even watch csi: miami if only to hear the theme song and also to see that sexy mexican fella who’s friends with that irish fella. i even saw the who live at the kingdome in seattle in 1982. they played this song and i did some mushies. i had a great time.
now i wish to walk again. not so i don’t die in this bathroom, not so that i can go see my grandkids again, but so that i can hunt pete townshend down and murder him with my own hands, somehow finding the strength to rip apart an organ and smash it on his head, hands, and feet over and over.
i don’t know where he lives. i assume in outer space, what with all the drugs he took (you can’t see, but i just used my little remaining strength to high-five myself). but in all seriousness, i would guess england. i don’t know how i would find a way to rip an organ apart. i suppose i would have to spend a year or so preparing by lifting weights and doing boxing lessons, like that italian fella from that movie rocky. then i would probably have to find a few organs to practice ripping them apart. i wouldn’t want to embarrass myself in front of pete by not being able to rip an organ apart with brute strength in order to crush him with it. then i would sell my apple 2 computer to a young idiot, pool together my tiny social security checks, stop buying food for a month, and then buy a plane ticket on delta airlines to england in order to find this pete townshend.
but, alas, i will not. i will not do any of this.
i quit drinking toilet water 24 hours ago. it’s time for me to let go. i can feel myself getting weak from the dehydration. i wish i could spend my remaining hours thinking about my grandkids and my 2 out of 3 kids of my own i still like. but i can’t hear my own thoughts over this goddamn song. so here i am, dying angry. goodbye, cruel world. yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
sent from my iPad, oh wait maybe should i email someone? get…ting…weak…can’t…type…any…more……………….kjadfiqwpoeijfaklsjfkl;jsksaj]]>
John’s parents are out of town and it’s time to party. The show will be Saturday, February 9, at 10pm with partying before and after. All of this is at John/Gary/Lee/Carmen’s house (3823 N. Clark #1). Those to perform include:
John Reynolds + Steph Cook + Gary Richardson + Joey Dundale + Scott Nelson + Sarah Ashley + Michael Klasek + Brian McGovern + Christina Boucher + Lee Barats + Matt Barats + Jared Jeffries + Carmen Christopher + Morgan Lord + Anthony Oberbeck + Devin Bockrath + Michael Brunlieb + Andrew Tisher]]>