Warning: ksort() expects parameter 1 to be array, object given in /home/content/47/8979247/html/killallcomedy/wp-content/plugins/bbpress/includes/core/template-functions.php on line 316

Warning: session_start() [function.session-start]: Cannot send session cookie - headers already sent by (output started at /home/content/47/8979247/html/killallcomedy/wp-content/plugins/bbpress/includes/core/template-functions.php:316) in /home/content/47/8979247/html/killallcomedy/wp-content/plugins/wp-online-store/core.php on line 192

Warning: session_start() [function.session-start]: Cannot send session cache limiter - headers already sent (output started at /home/content/47/8979247/html/killallcomedy/wp-content/plugins/bbpress/includes/core/template-functions.php:316) in /home/content/47/8979247/html/killallcomedy/wp-content/plugins/wp-online-store/core.php on line 192

Warning: Cannot modify header information - headers already sent by (output started at /home/content/47/8979247/html/killallcomedy/wp-content/plugins/bbpress/includes/core/template-functions.php:316) in /home/content/47/8979247/html/killallcomedy/wp-includes/feed-rss2.php on line 8
Joey Dogdale – KILL ALL COMEDY http://killallcomedy.com Sun, 26 Mar 2017 07:01:12 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=4.7.9 Joey Dogdale – KILL ALL COMEDY Joey Dogdale – KILL ALL COMEDY http://killallcomedy.com/wp-content/plugins/powerpress/rss_default.jpg http://killallcomedy.com Dog Jerks/Cat Sluts: Chapter 1000 http://killallcomedy.com/dog-jerkscat-sluts-chapter-1000/ Tue, 29 Jul 2014 17:34:02 +0000 http://killallcomedy.com/?p=3169 Walking down the endless slick marbled floors of the department store, winter just begun. The dogs and cats didn’t celebrate Christmas but they had a holiday that same day called “St. Fredruck’s Day” and it was the same thing. Walking down the center of the store, all white and gold with the pine wreaths and the sparkly stars hanging down from the center, where you could look up and see many more floors of clothing and furniture. I was drunk and I was old, fifty seven years, but I had a little bit of money at that time. I had run across some smart ass orphan earlier that week who had fucked me over in a bet and I decided it would be rather in character to take him in as my own, as his reward, in lieu of the bet payment. So the brat was staying in my home and getting hair all over the place, and it was all a terrible decision.

He’d demanded we go here, and here we were. “If you’re such a rich human piece of shit buy me some gifts then,” he said, and I really hated him. The papers were already in on putting him in the orphanage, but it would unfortunately take till after the holidays. And While I hated him, for sure, I had a very soft place in my heart for the gift giving holidays and when it comes to my principles I believe even nasty little dog boys deserve a gift when everyone else is getting one.

Well, he took off the second we stepped in the place and I didn’t have the energy to run after him. I’d sat in one of the seats outside the cat dressing rooms and taken to a bottle and time passed and before you knew it I was gone on booze and getting bad looks. Here I was then, stumbling through the watches and rings and perfumes, eyes alternately on the floor and up looking through the many floors up to the ceiling and the sparkly stars hanging on strings. At the exact center of the store I had stopped, as in my drunken stupor I had thought that view of the stars and the floors was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen, and in my mind all those stars turned into many great suns and the column of floors the great tunnel of time and space where they danced, and then through this beauty came sailing a TV and it fell down the many stories and right past face and it landed so close a shard of TV screen went and cut me in my leg before i knew what had happened.

Well it was the boy. Seemed he’d gone nuts and caused a scene. He screamed from the seventh story, “I’d meant to kill you!” and went off running. More and more I could hear screams from the top of the store. In a running limp I got in the glass elevator. As it ascended I saw a great and terrible mess on every floor and as I arrived at the seventh I could see the boy across the way, surrounded by police. Not department security, armed professionals, these were real deal cops, and the boy had a gun pointed at them and a couple of hostages too. I’d wonder how long this had been going on and If I had really been so out of it as to not discover it untill now. And I wondered, the kid was annoying for sure, but a psychopath? It seemed a tad out of character, but I suppose I’d never gotten to know him too well, and he did fuck me over in that bet, which is out of character for children to do to adults.

As I sat and pondered in the elevator a bullet came shattering through the glass window of the elevator. It, unfortunately, missed my sad face and went through the open door blasting some poor old cat’s head off and all over the place. I ducked through the door and went scrambling to the ground. A round of bullets sounded and the room went silent. In the coming minutes i was to find the boy’s body shot up by cop bullets, and we were all to be ushered to the bottom floor to be asked questions. I snuck into a stairwell, bolted down to street level and took off for my car. When the child protective agency were to learn of this, I was to be “fucked.”  How was I to explain I let him stay in my home because of old movies I’d seen? Also FOR SURE he found that gun in my place. This is the sort of thing that gets you put in jail, and when it comes to jail I don’t go for dumb shit like this that’s not even all the way my fault. The good thing was all they knew was I had a kid to give them, not who the kid was.

What I needed now was another kiddo, who would not only be willing to repeat my story, but be willing to go to an orphanage for a time. I headed south of the shopping district to where all the homeless kids hung, and drove down the street real slow. I was in a panic and wasn’t going off much more than looks so when I saw a kid that was a black lab, like the other kid was, I beckoned him in the car, and as street kids, I’ve found, are wont to do, he obliged. I explained to him my plan and the score. I would take him to my home, he would sleep on my comfortable couch for a little bit, and then he would go to an orphanage where he would say I was a kind man who saved him from the street and he was excited to live in the orphanage. A week later I was to come by the orphanage and bust him out using a laundry man’s ruse, hiding him in dirty clothes etc.

I looked him in his eyes then and asked “How much is something like this worth to you, payment to be made, of course, after the busting out.” It’s always best, I’ve found, to let a child make the first move in any negotiation as they usually go low, for they do not know the value of money. The dog boy looked up for the first time and growled “10,000 cash.” “Woah,” I thought. “You gotta be kidding me,” I then thought. “pfwuah!” I sputtered. Well now I was up a rope, the kid wasn’t fucking around, and was likely a young professional criminal. He knew I couldn’t go to anyone else cause he had info I couldn’t let out, and that this gave him the leverage. I had to accept his offer, and just to confuse him a bit I offered him twelve thousand. I drove him to my home, where he ate steak every day, and drank brandy at night. The plan went accordingly. He said what I told him, they took him off to the orphanage and I let him rot in there because fuck him. He should owe me twelve thousand for that life lesson.

Chapter 243 Dog Jerk/Cat Sluts

]]>
Stairway to Kevin http://killallcomedy.com/stairway-to-kevin/ Thu, 07 Nov 2013 17:31:07 +0000 http://killallcomedy.com/?p=2909 Check out the new video from Gary John Joey!

]]>
Kill All Comedy Northwest Tour is This Week. http://killallcomedy.com/kill-all-comedy-northwest-tour-is-this-week/ Mon, 16 Sep 2013 19:32:24 +0000 http://killallcomedy.com/?p=2773

We’re taking it on the road! If you can, come check us out. We’ll shake your hand!

]]>
See Aaron Alonso’s one man show “Wait WHAT?!!” at iO this Thursday at 10pm http://killallcomedy.com/see-aaron-alonsos-one-man-show-wait-what-at-io-this-thursday-at-10pm/ Wed, 21 Aug 2013 17:11:54 +0000 http://killallcomedy.com/?p=2623

Aaron Alonso’s is sure to be insane, and it’s happening one time only this Thursday at 10 at the iO Theater. I strongly recommend you go to this show. God knows what it will entail.

]]>
Dog Jerks/Cat Sluts: Chapter 243 http://killallcomedy.com/dog-jerkscat-sluts-chapter-243/ Wed, 14 Aug 2013 19:54:56 +0000 http://killallcomedy.com/?p=2576 Chapter 243

 

The bar was warm, as was the beer. Ted was telling me some story about… a bone or something. The vinyl booth seat was sticking to my sweat dampened shirt, and I was drinking to stay cool. The beers were cheap here and the people were young. The music was great, and the women were looking to get laid. I didn’t care anymore. I only came for one reason. I knew she would be here. I knew she had to show up eventually. She always did. No other bar was worthy of someone like her. She was too smart, too cool, too beautiful.

 

And I knew I shouldn’t. Ted knew, and if he did know why we were here we wouldn’t be. Ted was very solid. I put very much into solidness as an attribute these days. I was tired. Tired of killing, dying, praying. All I wanted these days was a solid dude who’d help me stay out of trouble. I wanted a wife, and no kids, and a place close to a good bar, and if I was lucky I’d die old. Ted was a good friend. Maybe my only these days. He was a good guy.

 

Ted went on. On and on. He’d buried a bone somewhere, couldn’t find it. He knew I hated when he talked about dog shit. He almost never did. He seemed anxious. He was looking past me. Forcing himself to talk. Distracting me. I turned around. Cynthia. Standing right at the bar like no big deal.

 

“Okay, man, you want to go?”

 

“No” I said “No” I said again.

 

I chugged my nearly full drink in one gulp, walked over, put my glass on the bar and said… nothing. I might have let out a guttural sigh. But nothing. She turned around, and looked me in the eyes.

 

“Joey,” she said with embarrassing disdain.

 

“Hey” I said “I know you don’t love me, but I love you, and I’m buying you a drink because I love you. Steve… two Pabst Blue Ribbons.”

 

“No thank you Steve” She purred “I’ve got somewhere to be.”

 

And like that she left. Walked right past me and out the door. Like a ghost, like she was never there. I couldn’t touch her anymore, I couldn’t interact. We were on different plains. All that love just floating up in a vapor and up to space and into the sun and stars. Steve didn’t hear her cancel my order seeing as he was no where near her. So I went back to my booth, where Ted received a drink on me.

 

“You can’t keep doing this man, it’s no good for you.”

 

“Of course, I know that. Of course I do…”

 

“Come on man, a couple more drinks we’ll both be feeling okay. Maybe if you cheer up and get social we’ll get laid.”

 

“You got it man,” I lied.

 

I took my drink to my lips. It seemed much colder then the beer here usually was. I tipped it up, and through my lips. In slow motion it slid down my throat, into my body, into the blood stream, up into my brain then and froze it still. I closed my eyes and everything was icy blue. My whole body was chilled. All worry was gone, time was stopped. I opened my eyes. Screams from outside, a crash. The bar emptied to rubberneck on the sidewalk. I got up, walked down the sticky wood planks, past the hot bar, through the door into the stifling heat. Pushed my way through a scattering of cool hats. A bearded young dog looked up from the crumpled body and shook his head. Cynthia. Her body destroyed, twisted, the road painted in blood, fur floating in the air. The driver was weeping, his head in his arms on the hood of the car.

 

I considered for a second going to her body, weeping, and morning her. Shouting and cursing, over her. Telling her dead body I loved it and would forever. I was broken in half by the site, but, I knew it wasn’t my place. It would be wrong. A lie. I didn’t love that mangled pile of flesh, and I didn’t love her when she was walking around five minutes before. I was in love with a memory. I was crying for my memory, and crying for the memories she would never create for all those other folks in the world. Crying for the loss of hope. The hope I clung to that one day she would love me back, again. That what was obvious would just be a lie or a silly misunderstanding. And at the same time I hated myself for getting to this point. In letting my self get so low down in love, that I couldn’t even see a true fact. I cried alone behind the crowd, and walked back into the alley, where I balled and vomited. Ted put his hand on my shoulder and took me home in a cab. He slept on my couch to make sure I was okay, and in the morning we ate Mexican breakfast. He was a very solid guy.

  < Chapter ??? Dog Jerk/Cat Sluts Chapter 1000 >

]]>
Now That’s Something Else: Episode Eight (Wes Perry) http://killallcomedy.com/now-thats-something-else-episode-eight-wes-perry/ Wed, 24 Jul 2013 16:56:44 +0000 http://killallcomedy.com/?p=2522 Wes Perry stops by the “studio” to talk about backup singers and the Pitchfork Music Festival.

]]>
Dog Jerks/Cat Sluts: Chapter ??? http://killallcomedy.com/dog-jerkscat-sluts-chapter-qqq/ Thu, 11 Jul 2013 20:29:50 +0000 http://killallcomedy.com/?p=2459 Chapter: ???

It was the deal of the century! All I had to do was put a few bullets in a couple dogs’ heads and I would be up a hundred thousand dollars. Not a misprint folks, a hundred FUCKING THOUSAND DOLLARS. As far as I knew that wasn’t the going rate for this kind of thing. I think I would have done it for like… five thousand, easy. I was broke. All the way broke. Literally no money at all. I hadn’t paid rent in months, and was much in debt to drug folks, again.

I hopped on my motorcycle and drove about a mile before it ran out of gas and I had to ditch it on the side of the road. I walked the rest of the way, like an hour or so. I was running real late and was also pissed, cause I knew I had to walk all the way back too. You never realize how much of a pain it is to have no money at all until you don’t have any. I hadn’t eaten in 2 days, no laundry in a month, water’s turned off, I just walked a mile. It was a really fucking shitty day and all I had to look forward to was blowing a couple of dogs’ heads off.

I walked up to the apartment, and had someone buzz me in with the old “I’ve got a package” routine. Walked up to the third floor, busted the door in with my foot, and found myself pointing a gun straight at a huge fucking painting of my face, surrounded by candles. The three dog men were huddled around it in dirty old monk’s robes and were mumbling dog noises and slurping up liquid in wooden bowls. They didn’t move to look at me at all. I kept the gun pointed at them, and just stood there, conflicted. A solid minute passed. The dogs one by one slowly turned their heads to me and got up off their knees, tottering, like they hand’t stood up in a long time. They all slowly stumbled towards me dropped at my feet and started weeping in joy.

“Fellas,” I sad, “let it be known, I’m here kill you guys.”

“We know!” they shouted through their tears in unison “We have been waiting.”

The middle dog looked up at me and into my eyes, “We have been waiting for you to come, and send us to our ecstasy. We all have met with god, we saw his genitals and experienced his eternal paradise. Bring us back there! Josiah! King of men! Chosen of god! Kill us! Blow our brains away! We do not need them! Send us to heaven! Grim reaper! Face of Paradise! God on Earth!”

They begged to die. Over and over again. But It wasn’t sad begging. They were joyous. Filled with love. They looked at me like I was their mother, that I had brought them back to life. I felt their love.

They crawled then, back to the painting, and became upright on their knees, joining hands. They were taking position to be executed. I never said a word. I knew their story was true. Their God was my God, and I would recognize the work of my God anywhere. The painting of my face, also, was extremely accurate. I took a gun to each head, and as I pulled the trigger the dog would slump to the ground, and a splatter of blood would mar the painting of my face. For a moment I wished I were them, I wished I could go with them to God’s glorious paradise. I knew, though, I had a mission here on earth. I just wasn’t sure what it was, what God intended for me. Maybe I should have asked those crazy dog guys about it. Maybe that was a mistake. An Important part of my life, though, is that I do not have regrets, and I try to get over things as quick as I can. Be okay with stuff that’s happened. It’s worked so far. Despite the outwardly sad oddness of my life, I’m really a pretty happy guy.

“God bless you,” I said meekly to no one.

I covered their bodies in a sheet, out of respect, ate some leftovers out of their fridge and walked down the stairs and out the front door where I was hit square in the face by the swing of an aluminum baseball bat. I woke up, some time later, with my head bobbing just above the water of the bank a shallow canal.

< Chapter ?? Dog Jerk/Cat Sluts Chapter 243>

]]>
Kill All Comedy is at Just For Laughs | Saturday | 8:30 http://killallcomedy.com/kill-all-comedy-is-at-just-for-laughs-saturday-830/ Thu, 13 Jun 2013 20:29:44 +0000 http://killallcomedy.com/?p=2335 Come on by! We got a big show planned, and we even rehearsed a couple times.

It’s at Stage 773 (Belmont and Clark) in “The Box.” 8:30 pm this Saturday June 15th.

Tickets are $15 and can be bought online here or at the door.

See ya there Freaks!

]]>
Dog Jerks/Cat Sluts: Chapter ?? http://killallcomedy.com/dog-jerkscat-sluts-chapter-__/ Wed, 12 Jun 2013 19:21:57 +0000 http://killallcomedy.com/?p=2313 Chapter ??

I had the laptop open on my lap. The guy was supposed to be here in five minutes. You know? The drug dealer? But he was always late. My leg was fucked up from getting shot, again, and I’d been taking some Oxycontin to deal with it, because, honestly I’m not that good with pain. Another good way I had found to deal with pain was jerking off. It at least distracted me, and I was probably gonna do it anyways. I had had a lot of free time lately. I was trying to get it done before the guy showed up, and I figured it would be no problem. He’s always late.

I was having fantastic luck today. I was really stumbling on some gems. I pushed my laptop down to me knees to make room for my erection, pulling down my jeans, pulling down my underpants. I was so hard. The porn was great. I got greedy. I was subconsciously delaying my cum, I didn’t want it to end. Stroking in bursts, letting it rest, starting again, and stopping right before I was about to burst. I looked at the clock. Noon already… no big deal. “He’s always late,” I said out loud.

I grabbed some tissues, to clean the ensuing mess. I was almost there. Okay, no more fooling around, let’s get this over with. I was so close. So Close.

BAM. The door flew open, and through it came a wiry dachshund wearing a “visibly stinky” Rastafarian hat, pointing a gun at my chest. My gun was across the room. No time. He didn’t say a word. He cocked the gun. I burst. He shoots two shots into my chest. Blackness.

My eyes never opened per-say, but in a sudden everything was no longer dark, and was in fact, painfully bright. My consciousness floated effortlessly in clouds of light, and specks of luminescence floated around it. From what must have been miles away I could see rumbling forward towards me a giant creature, and he rumbled towards me in this same way for what must have been a half hour or more. I had no ability to move. I could just be, And as I was I watched, and as it got closer I could make out more and more of it. More of him. He stood fifty feet high, a dog person, in the standard way. The human body covered in short dog fur. The face of a German Shepard. But his penis. His penis and balls were enormous, and not just because he was enormous. They were in fact greatly out of proportion with the rest of his gigantic body. Being in the presence of these gave me an immediate and profound fear and respect for him. It did not need to be spoken, I recognized this being as god, and if not the god of all men, he was most certainly my god.

“Joey” the great gleaming dog God spoke, “I love you. All ways remember this.”

I had no ability to speak, but I wished to call out. To tell him I loved him too. To cry from my eyes and to clap with my hands. To jump up and down and praise him. I was full of love with no where to put it, and it flowed out of my essence, visible to the human eye. The great God saw this and he shed one tear, and began to grow a great erection. It got larger and larger, stiffer and stiffer, straighter and straighter. It rose to just barely in front of me and many feet above me. At it’s apex it was exactly straight, the length of a yacht, just wider then a California redwood. It was cut clean, in the Jewish fashion, and had a pink color that was decidedly Caucasian. It began to pulse red, and the veins began to swell. His eyes closed and he moaned a low guttural moan that shock me so I thought the world around me would fall away. His pink tongue hung from his mouth and his giant human hand grasped the shaft. As if on command the great and holy penis violently ejaculated a deluge of silver sparkling ejaculate at, into, and past my essence. It continued this way for a hundred hours and at the end of it all started again but in reverse. The god’s cum was retracing back into his body at a thousand times the violent speed as before. I came with it and as I entered the hole I traveled through his body, into his veins and with the blood up into his brain, where I witnessed every great miracle a thousand times over for a million eternities.

I woke up. I was laying on a cold metal bed. There were a tampon sticking from each wound in my chest. A lovely, large and busty cat woman stood over me, completely nude. I had not noticed my arms and legs were shackled to the metal bed.

“I’ll be back” She said, “I have to take a shit.”

She didn’t have to tell me what was going on. I knew all too well. My neighbor had stolen my half dead body from my apartment, brought me back to life, and had made me a sexual slave. From what I knew of her, I was surprised it hadn’t happened early. I had after all got the apartment on a discount, as there were not locks on the doors. I decided next time, I would splurge on a door lock.

Ergghhh I heard. Ergghhhh. The woman, whose name I had never bothered to learn, was shitting in a litter box in the corner, ass facing me. I closed my eyes, and envisioned my great god. I thought of the infinite eternities I spent in his paradise, and I said a prayer to him. “Please god, let this woman kill me dead. Return me to your paradise”

I opened my eyes to see her above me. I looked down, my penis had become erect in prayer. “Well, what are you looking at?” I coughed, “Let’s fuck baby.” Hey, she we’rent god, but it’d do.

< Chapter Twelve Dog Jerk/Cat Sluts  Chapter ??? >

]]>
Now That’s Something Else: Episode Seven http://killallcomedy.com/now-thats-something-else-episode-seven/ Wed, 05 Jun 2013 20:55:49 +0000 http://killallcomedy.com/?p=2259 Gary and Joey are trapped inside on a rainy day, so what better to do then to listen to some rainy day jams?

]]>
Gary and Joey are trapped inside on a rainy day, so what better to do then to listen to some rainy day jams? Gary and Joey are trapped inside on a rainy day, so what better to do then to listen to some rainy day jams? Joey Dogdale – KILL ALL COMEDY 42:08